Homeschool: How I got here

This could be a long or short story, depending on where you begin.

The short story is, we're just doing it this year out of necessity. We moved into a HUGE city with a billion school choices and options just a month and a half before it would be time for him to start school for the very first time ever (preschool and mother's morning out included). We didn't have time to visit and check out our options, so we just googled a couple of things we liked the idea of (classical, university model) and found one school that fit both descriptions; it was a small, new school that met in a church, just one or two years old, the class they had us visit was a preschool class and the most impressive teacher I've ever seen (all the 4 year olds were reading and writing independently), and the administrative people seemed nice, so we signed him up. We should have looked around more. When we came back, the school seemed to be struggling. Their enrollment had doubled and they didn't have enough teachers and were scrambling to hire people the summer before school started. That good teacher had left and it turned out that she wasn't a result of their teacher training but was just the most gifted teacher they had ever seen (it wasn't just me). It turned out that the school was just not a good fit for Bradley or our family. We lasted 9 weeks there before I put ourselves (and, dare I say, the school) out of our misery and took him out. Hence began homeschool!

What went wrong with the school? A lot of things. First of all, there's Bradley's role in it. I say role because it was absolutely not his fault. If there was any fault in the matter, it was mine. But, basically, Bradley and this school were like the perfect storm. First of all, I should have put him in pre-k there. The reason I didn't is because when we moved to the small community that we are moving to next year, I wanted the option of putting him into first grade or repeating kindergarten; I thought that if I put him in pre-k, we would not have the option of first grade when we got there. The problem with choosing a grade for Bradley is this: his maturity level and his size and intelligence are in two different ball parks. In pre-k, he would have stuck out like a sore thumb. He's big and tall and even has two loose teeth now. He already knows pre-k subject matter and has for years. But he has never been in a structured classroom and would have enjoyed the "babyish" aspects of it (playing with blocks and the kitchen, etc; just having free time built in in general). There, pre-k was like any other regular kindergarten. Then, they use first grade curriculum for their kindergarten and run the classroom just like a typical first grade (no free time, no play centers, etc). This was not an easy transition for Bradley to say the least. He had nooooo idea what to do or how to do it. Most of the other kids there knew the drill from being there or somewhere else for pre-k. There was basically zero tolerance for a child who was just learning how to sit still for hours, raise his hand to speak, and generally have no choice about his activity at any given moment. The curriculum was very intense, and Bradley (along with the rest of the children in the school) seemed very stressed. Eventually, Bradley even started pooping in his pants after school (especially on the bad days)--a classic sign of stress in children. Then there was the other stuff. The list could go on and on, so I'll just pick out a few things I disliked about the school. First, there was the bullying. You would think this wouldn't happen in a small private Christian school, especially when the kids are parroting "God, Jesus, God" all day long. Not so much. Poor baby. He was coming home telling me things people had said that day, such as, "I don't like you," "I hate you," "You're not my friend," "We don't want new friends," and "You can't play with us." These children were saying this stuff to him, hitting him, and shoving him down on the ground when teachers weren't looking (because they somehow know how to be sneaky and hide stuff from adults), then they would quietly irritate him in front of a teacher or adult (by poking him with their paper, etc) until Bradley retaliated and then Bradley would be sent to the principle's office, a big deal would be made about it, and then Bradley would be asked to apologize (when he was clearly not sorry). In this school, the drill is: do something wrong, apologize, ask for forgiveness...repeat. That really just didn't make sense to him, because in our family, I don't require insincere apologies (sincere apologies, yes; efforts to make a wrongdoing right, yes; lying, no). There were two boys that Bradley got mixed up with in a negative, repetitious cycle; both boys were children of the original group of parents who started the school, one of which being a board member's kid. So, basically, Bradley was scapegoated as being the "bad kid" and "troublemaker" of the class. Now. You think I'm fixin to have that? Um. NO. We are talking about a child who, in Sunday School (the only teacher-class experience he's had so far), has never had any report from the teacher but, "He is so sweet and polite and quiet. I wish every boy acted like him." At this school, Bradley was constantly in fight or flight mode; and he couldn't flee, so he fought. It's just all really sad that he had this experience. Before school, his favorite activities were: Math, Reading, and Writing. Now? He "hates God songs math, reading, writing, and books." Where did he even pick up the word hate? He never even heard or used that word before school....wait. Oh yeah, he got that at school. Anyway, to end a long and painful story, the conclusion is that the school was not a good fit. Basically, it was a group of parents who thought they were awesome parents and all agreed on parenting, then wanted to start a school that was just like their homes: regimented, authoritarian, and uber heavy on the "discipleship." And they all want their kids to go to Ivy League schools. This really is just not my style. I prefer my schedule as open and free as possible with as much variety as possible, my children have a lot of choice and say in our home and they aren't required to obey authority figures automatically, and my approach to discipleship is to attempt to live my beliefs and answer any questions they have along the way and not require them to pray and act as though they are a Christian when they are, in fact, not. The school seemed to be a great fit for a lot of people, and I'm really happy for them. If I could find a school that fit with my beliefs, I would be just as happy. So far...no dice. Apparently, I'm odd. And what do all the odd people do? Homeschool! Right?

So, you thought that was long? Those are the short and medium-ish stories. Here goes the LONG version. Gosh, where do I start?

I am not one of those people who is constantly saying, "God told me to do this," and "The Lord called me to that." But, occasionally...He tends to do that to me. I don't talk about it, but the Holy Spirit within me occasionally bugs me until I give in on something. THS (The Holy Spirit) and I have been going round and round for years on homeschool. I am, like, the most reluctant homeschooler ever. At the same time, I want peace about my choice for the children's educations and, like Jacob, I'm not letting go until God blesses me with it!!! I want PEACE! I must have PEACE! It's what I need to continue the parenting journey with my sanity intact!

So, the school thing brought me no peace. It was so stressful..and it was only TWO measly little days a week! Two days of getting up early, eating breakfast, getting dressed, packing the lunch, and rush-rush-rushing out the door. The "homeschool days" were hardly that. It was like I was no longer the mom of my children: I was now something I never aspired to be...a teacher. The kindergarten curriculum was so involved that I had to completely ignore my other two children for two whole days a week in order to get those boxes checked in order to keep him up with the pace of the rest of the class. It's not that he couldn't do the work. The work was too easy for him, which made it even more painful to sit and slave over it for hours and hours in order to have something to turn in to prove that he had done it. And when I say hours and hours, I mean HOURS and HOURS. I looked around at the other parents for inspiration, especially those who had been at the school from the beginning. They were all completely stressed, too. They said it, it was written all over their faces, and it was obvious by the lack of interest in activities on homeschool days that no one had any time for anything else except school. This bothered me. I didn't want my future in sending my kids to school or homeschooling my children to look like that...always dashing around from thing to thing with no time for people, friends, family, neighbors, or even each other. On at-school days, Bradley was so exhausted after school that I didn't have the heart to ask him to do anything and let him watch TV until supper and bedtime (which had to come early because of school). On those days, he had no play time to go outside and make use of free time. On home days, we had so much to do that I couldn't even throw a load of laundry in, let alone dry and fold and put away a load; I got very behind on my housework which was a huge source of stress. Also, I no longer had time to let the kids help with stuff. I would frantically go about catching up while threatening and punishing Bradley into finishing his home work. By the end of the checklist, none of us wanted anything to do with a book, learning anything, a Bible, or even each other...and off to the TV (or bed, usually) everyone went, just to start again the next day. We didn't even have weekends free, because we were usually so behind on "Thursday work" which we naturally didn't finish, despite my determined good intentions, because there was so much and we knew we had Friday and the weekend. We signed up for a gymnastics class on Thursday afternoons which did nothing but make finishing Thursday work impossible, so I felt guilty about indulging in that...??? Too much. Tooooooooo much.

The good thing about the University model was that it gave me a little taste of what both sending a kid to school and keeping the kid home would feel like. AND, to top it all off, I got to experience the University Model Education thing, which I had idealized (all the benefits of homeschool, plus all the benefits of "regular school," right?). Now I know that UM has its downfalls, too. For example, you are every bit on someone else's schedule as kids in regular school. Attendance is obligatory. You get behind if you miss a day. You have to use the school's chosen curriculum, which leaves little room for individuality and creativity in how you teach a child a certain subject or skill. For me, a big plus to homeschooling was having more free time open for the kids to experience good old fashioned boredom (which usually leads to the most creative play and memories made) and for "extracurricular" activities (swimming, gymnastics, etc) without cutting into family time in the evenings. Don't get me wrong, I've fantasized about sending Bradley off to school for years. He is definitely a very high-need individual and usually leaves me drained at the end of the day, mentally and emotionally. In fact, I tried doing women's Bible studies, "Mother's Morning Outs", and even pre-school in the past. All lasted days to weeks to a couple of months before I realized it just wasn't worth it. All different reasons: for MMO, it was that he couldn't separate (too attached, which now I realize is a good thing); for the Bible studies he was okay, but Mikey was too attached to separate, so that pulled them both out (oddly enough, moms' Bible studies aren't too keen on you bringing your young ones in with you...it's strange to me); for pre-school, he was ready to separate and ready to learn how to "do" school, but his health (asthma) was in such terrible condition at the time that I was forced to pull him out to avoid respiratory germs. Each and every time I've given up on an aspiration involving someone else taking care of him for awhile in order to catch a "break", I've become more happy and "settled" at home, and I've been given peace and happiness with the result. Then, I look back on that very very short season of time and think, "Wow. I'm so glad that happened! I wouldn't trade that time for the world." That's with me being very determined to "make it work" when in the moment. Poor first kids. Such guinea pigs.

Anyway, I'll go back now about 3-4 years. So, when we moved to Mississippi, Bradley was a brand-newborn (4 weeks old) and Justin immediately went to work, like, ALL THE TIME. Books became my companions since I had no one to talk to. I devoured every parenting book I could find and began to find my way through the newborn, big baby, and toddler years. After only a couple of years, my newfound acquaintances with babies the same age started putting their kids in MMO one day, then two days, then three days, then five days a week. Eventually, the few mommy friends I had met were never available for "play dates" either because their children were at MMO or because they were just coming home from MMO and needed to have nap time or down time at home. Therefore, I kept going out to parks and libraries and the McDonald's indoor playground (gross, I know, but I was desperate) alone and often finding myself in the company of homeschooling families. They were almost always delightful, interesting people. The moms seemed happy and relaxed, and the children played and played with imagination like I had never seen before, cooperation I had never seen before, and kindness I had never seen before. Young children willingly and happily included my children in their play, and teen age children smiled and engaged my children in play and were completely without that aloof look on their faces. It really got me thinking. So, I started reading books and looking on the internet and talking to friends who homeschooled about their experiences. It was looking better and better. But the truth remains... Homeschooling is hard. Added to the burden of "just" raising your kids, you have the burden of educating them as well. It's a lofty goal, especially if you value strong academics and good preparation for college. I mean...do I REALLY want to re-learn algebra? Geometry? PHYSICS??? (Dear Lord!) Can I really figure out a way to do this? Do I have it in me? It sure is a lot of effort, and I have plenty to do already, especially with my family being so young and possibly not even completed. How would I be able to deal with a pregnancy AND doing homeschool at the same time? Plus, would me kids end up being "weird" and "unsocialized" and what about team sports--aren't those important? All the usual fears cropped up--a complete list of stereotypes and misconceptions. Over time, these fears are lessening, but they're still there. The more I learn about homeschool, though, the more I like the idea of it. It really does seem to fit my heart's desire for my family and our priorities we claim, even if I see myself as unfit, unworthy, or not "cut out" for homeschooling. Basically, the only thing I have going for me is the way I dress...totally like a homeschool mom already (oooooh! That was cold. See how mean I am? I don't want my kids to be like me.)

Speaking of me and my mean self, I'll take it back a few more years. First, college. The homeschooled kids were odd, yes. But it wasn't a bad thing. They were among my favorite people I met there. *Lightbulb* High school. Public school. Okay, I came from a very "good", reputable public school and got an adequate education there. I was almost prepared for college academics, though I would say there were a lot of missing holes, despite my being an almost straight-A student all the way through. Overall, it was a good experience. I wasn't bullied much, I had friends, and my official stance is, "I liked school. It was a good experience." But, looking back, I'm not so sure it wasn't just me making the best of what, in my mind, was the only option. I remember Mom saying she had wanted to homeschool us, and I remember saying, "What? Why!? That's weird! Homeschool is weird!" but actually thinking, "I would have loved that." I missed my mom terribly during the day. It got better once I got out of elementary school and into the upper grades, but I remember missing her during the day even in high school and being so relieved to get home at the end of the day. In the early grades, I was so exhausted after school that all I wanted to do was watch cartoons (Ducktales, a-woo-oo!). In later grades, after school hours were taken up completely by cheerleading practice and ball games. Family time was non- existent. We all grew further and further apart due to lack of time together, although, compared to my friends, I would have considered us a close family. My sister who was close to my age and I had our own little inside jokes and such, but they all stemmed from pre-school days and holidays...during the schoolweeks/schoolyears we didn't have time together to make memories. I never even really got to know my younger sister very well as she grew up, which to this day makes me sad, but we are getting to know each other now, which is good. But it seems there is something very wrong with the fact that the people I had the least amount of time for was my family. Peer orientation was the culprit, a phenomenon I learned more about in "Hold on to your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld. It's a simple concept: the people you spend the most (quantity) time around are the people who matter most to you. Now, I don't reject the notion altogether; after all, if there wasn't a youth culture, there would be no rock and roll or maybe even progressive thinking. I totally appreciate youth culture...to a point. Arguably, this day and age a homeschooled person could be totally in the know about youth culture because of the internet. But...most of what the youth culture has to offer is negative, if you think about it. I mean...think about it. You've got facebook shenanigans galore, and kids growing up way too fast while, at the same time, remaining so immature that they can barely handle adulthood when it comes a-knocking. I point to myself as a prime example. When I went to college, I didn't know how to do laundry. My mom did all the chores while I was at school. I don't even have a clue how she did it (every day? once a week? iron or dry cleaner?). I just wasn't involved in the process enough to pick it up. After supper, the sisters and I begged off helping with the dishes with homework as an excuse. Homework trumps dishes and trash-taking and chicken-feeding and vacuuming every time, so you can guess how well I knew how to take care of my home when I got married....NOT SO MUCH. I had other friends who's parents made them help out anyway, and they resented it; I'm not sure that was the problem. It's just that we had so little free time to choose what we wanted that we fought for it with everything we had. Or maybe we were spoiled...who knows. Point being, my theory is that I would have been much more prepared for my apparent role in life had I spent more time with mom and helped her more. I would really like for my children to be self-sufficient when they leave my home. I'm not saying that kids can't be self-sufficient when they leave home and attend school too; I'm just saying that I don't think I, personally, could prepare them very well without a significant amount of time at home.

I am a huge supporter of public schooling. One of my main hesitations about homeschooling is feeling like a traitor. The private schools in the town we'll be in are very good options as well. Part of the hard part about this decision is the plethora of good options available. Part of me wishes I could just get angry at "the man" and just go completely gung-ho and rebel. I'm just not there. I'm not sure schooling isn't what's best for my KIDS. If and when I ever figure out what's best for THEM, I'll be sold.

What's best for me? Well, (a) Do I even count? Some people would say yes to this, others would say no. I haven't yet decided if I count yet or how much. Even if I did count, what would the verdict be? Is it better for moms to have to let go of their children sooner rather than later, or is it better to hold on as long as you can? Is it better to have 7 hours free during the day to either do chores at home, hobbies, or go back to the workforce, or is it more character-building to have to learn to balance personal responsibilities with educating children while pushing hobbies and a career to the side? I can see the benefits on both sides. I can see myself being happy either way. But when I look at my parents and the pictures hanging in the hallway of our family 10, 15, and 25 years back, I can't help but think how quick that time went and how I want to savor my time with my children down to the very last drop that time has to offer. So far, being with them 24/7 has been so rewarding. Exhausting? Yes, but the rewards greatly outweigh it. Who says it all has to stop abruptly at age 5? That brings me to another point: not deciding.

This is the point I find myself at today. "Undecided." True to form, like with my major in college, I will likely remain "undecided" for as long as possible, taking it year by year, semester by semester, quarter by quarter...you get the picture. Some days, I really do want to call the nearest, and preferably WORST, school and enroll Bradley tomorrow just to end the struggle I'm having. But then, right on cue, we have an awesome day the next day, and I'm elated and feel like homeschool is the only way for our family. So, am I going to homeschool my kids permanently? For a year, two, until middle school, until high school? I have no earthly clue. All I know is what I'm doing today, and tomorrow can have itself. It can wait. I have today to deal with. If you want to know what we'll do next year, just ask me next year...I won't know till then.

So...as of TODAY, I'm a homeschool mom and we're a homeschool family. My son is a "somewhere-between-preK-and-first-grader", to use homeschool-speak. So far, we are loving it. It's just so nice. If it continues to be this great, we may have a good thing going, here. We'll see how the "dreaded month of February" goes and we'll see if I can even teach him anything over the course of the semester. Last semester, we did the UM school for a quarter, then "de-schooled" (required no formal daily work, only answers to questions and general de-compressing activities) until thanksgiving and through the holiday season. I slowly began introducing daily work in January, with the goal of maximizing our workload by February. I still have a lot of work to do on myself as the leader of this outfit, but we are making strides in the direction of the goal. Also, I have quite a bit of pressure on, due to a lack of family support. I'm not sure how my sisters feel about it, but my husband, parents, and in-laws (while obviously trying very hard to keep their opinions to themselves, which is not necessary but kind of them) remain unconvinced. So, this semester is pretty much... a "trial period." Dun-dun-dun!!! No pressure, Ash....keep calm...keep....calm...

If anyone is still reading this, I thank you so much for your interest in this very deeply personal and probably mundane topic. It's what I'm thinking about right now, so it's all I really have to blog about. I hope it resonates with someone who might want to help me, or for me to help them, get through this journey. I'm already having a lot of fun feeling out my "homeschool style." Apparently, there are as many different ways to homeschool as there are people. So far, I'm attracted to Charlotte Mason, Unschooling, and Classical methods. I'll talk about how I've tried to fuse those philosophies in my next post.

Thanks for listening,
Ashley