Where in the world does the time go?

Oh my goodness. It's been a year since I posted. Not a very good track record for the "new" blog. Oh dear me, where do I even begin? Well, the three "big" events of last year would have been: (1) miscarriage, (2) death of grandfather, (3) big move. Looks like the last post I did was mid February of last year. Shortly after that post, Justin and I conceived our fourth child. I guess I became busy just handling the extra fatigue and all that goes along with a first trimester. My emotions were all over the place, I remember. I don't remember being like that with the first three pregnancies. With this one, I was very angry with people, particularly perfect strangers. I got into two arguments that spring: one with the apartment manager, and one with a lady in line at the McDonald's. Both of which seemed to stem from what I had begun to develop and lovingly refer to as the "city blues." I felt cooped up in our small apartment and nature was so difficult to get to. My nearby choices were: (1) the apartment grounds, which were just lovely...it's a shame it was against the rules to walk on/touch the landscaping...which we did, and we got called out 2-3 times, the last of which I shot her a terrible look and asked her what she was going to do about it... oy...very out of character; and (2) the nearby McDonald's outdoor playground, which was stressful enough just the worry about the germs. The hungry McDonald's addicts circled around the fenced outdoor playground at peak lunch hours and it was never a problem. The only problem was the darn flock of pigeons that would literally fly by and pluck nuggets off your plate and fly away with them...which isn't really a problem if you have endless funds to buy more nuggets (which I didn't) or if you aren't concerned about bird germs (which I was). Now, I'm a big believer in being present with one's children and not having one's nose in the cell phone. This particular day, there was some concerning junk going on: my grandfather was sick and in the hospital, recovering from abdominal surgery, and I had just been to the OBGYN and gotten some unnerving news that my baby was measuring too small and the heartrate was too slow. I needed to take the kids somewhere where they would be completely fenced in and completely distracted and not needing my attention so that I could communicate with my family, who was 12 hours away, about these things. So, off to McD's we went. After the kids had had their food (which, of course, attracted the pigeons), they began entertaining themselves by chasing the pigeons around, hiding until the pigeons landed, then running toward them, causing them to fly away, etc. I was completely fine with this. In fact, I thought, "Thank goodness! Some pigeon entertainment! Maybe we can kill an hour here!" Anybody ever been a desperate mom, just trying to get through the day? If not, SHOVE IT!!! So anyway, a woman in the drivethru line decides to take it upon herself to roll down her window and fuss at my kids. "Quit bothering those birds!" said she. My ears perked up and I lifted my eyes over my phone and burned a hole in the side of her head. She proceeded to roll down her window and criticize me for being "too involved in my phone to pay attention to my kids who are 'harassing the wildlife.'" I got up and walked to the edge of the playground and asked her if there was anything else she'd like to help me with today. The next thing you know, we were in quite the altercation. Sparing you the details, I believe I achieved my goal of both standing up for myself but also staying on the high road. She, however, resorted to name-calling and did, indeed, call me a "crack-head" as she sped around the corner to the drive thru window. The whole thing was just bizarre, I tell you. Anyway, all that to say, it was a strange-feeling pregnancy, and two weeks later, I went back to the doctor to find out it was over. I would have been 10 weeks at that point. I opted to go the natural route, and it took 3 more weeks for the placenta, etc, to be delivered. It was another strange 3 weeks. I was afraid to leave the house and, in fact, didn't. I had no idea what was going to happen. I'm glad I didn't, because if it had happened when I was driving or out somewhere in Houston with the kids, I would have been in trouble. On May 1, somewhere in the 13th week, I had a particularly energetic morning. I had been bleeding for about a week, beginning with just some spotting for a few days but it had just become like a regular period by that day. I thought that was going to be about it. That morning, I was feeling good, and I hand-scrubbed all the floors in the house with vinegar water. About 5pm, I started experiencing some cramping. I called Justin and told him to come home as soon as possible. By 5:15, I could no longer walk, the cramping was so bad. I sat on the couch and tried to verbally instruct Bradley to help himself and the other kids with anything anyone needed or asked for. It got worse and worse, and I started passing some rather large tissue clots. Justin got home at 6 and I retired to the bathroom to struggle in privacy while Justin fed and entertained the kids in the main room of the apartment. The cramps felt like about the end of pre-labor and the beginning of active labor; probably about 4cm. I even got in a hot bath to relieve the pain. It helped, then I got out and they came right back. By now it's about 7:15 and I had been loosing quite a bit of blood, soaking a large pad about every 10 minutes. I called for Justin because I was stuck on the bathroom floor and couldn't get up. The cramps felt like about 5-6cm contractions at that point. He helped me get a t-shirt and some depends on (I love depends underwear; don't knock it till you've tried it!) and he literally carried me to the bed because I was in too much pain to walk. At this point, I was shaking uncontrollably. Justin thought I was cold and covered me up with a bunch of blankets, but I wasn't really cold. I thought it had to do with loosing a lot of blood or the pain, but really it was shaking like when you are in transition in labor; that's what it felt like, anyway, just not as painful as real labor. I finally conceded to taking something for the pain. I had had a terrible back injury earlier that spring and had some hydrocodone left over from that. I took half of one and waited. About 30 minutes later (8:00pm), I felt a lot better and was able to text. I was texting mom about what was going on when I felt the urge to push???? I really didn't have a choice. I pushed twice and delivered something quite large. It was a ball of tissue the size of my fist. Upon later inspection, it was a perfect little miniature placenta, complete with an intact sac of water and a little blood clot which, we assume, was once the baby. After that, the bleeding stopped, the cramping stopped; it was over. I'm so glad I let it happen that way. Going natural like that provided so much closure, and it really helped me with the grieving process. Interesting story: Earlier in the pregnancy, before I knew there was anything wrong, I had already chosen a girl name. I had heard another mom at church call out to her daughter, "Katie Jane!" It was love at first...sound. I had always liked the names Jane and Katie, just had never thought of putting them together. I thought, "I'd have to make the name officially Katherine Jane and just use Katie for short." After the miscarriage, we sent the placenta in for genetic testing. Results indicated the baby was, in fact, a female. Then my memory was taken back to when I was pregnant with Bradley. Grandmother was still alive, but would not be for long. I went to tell her I was expecting, and she got a far-off look in her eyes, then she said, "I'll be the first to see little Katherine." I didn't think much of it at the time. I thought that was just her way of saying her guess is that the baby was a girl and that I'd name it Katherine. I got in bed with her and cuddled with her for awhile, then went back to Little Rock. That was my last conversation with her; she died less than 2 months later. I was surprised 7 months later when Bradley came out a boy, and thought, "Huh. I guess Grandmother was wrong," and forgot about the whole thing, until the miscarriage. I have great peace about the whole thing, and it's comforting to imagine Grandmother taking care of "little Katherine" in Heaven for me. Granddaddy Harold joined little Katherine, Grandmother-Bigmother and the others before us the following month, in June. He had gotten better after his surgery, but he had a massive stroke just a couple weeks later. We all got to see him before he stopped breathing, and a lot of the family was there when he died. His death was sudden but peaceful, and I'm happy it ended that way for him. He was particularly afraid of dying, I think. I don't blame him. Life is so extremely short. Justin finished his residency and we did our second big move as a family. We live next door to mom and dad now, in the country, and we are very happy here. The kids are still adjusting to all the disruption, but we are starting to finally feel settled, and we love our new home (which we are renting, but hoping to buy, if possible). Justin started his practice and is very happy; he feels very well prepared by his training and does not stress much about work. We are getting more vacation time now and starting to explore the world of "family minivacations" which is quite a treat. The move in and of itself, was/is a doozy, and it's not over. I'll just leave it at that. Lots of STUFF to go through and find a place for or get rid of. Let's see, what else. OH! Homeschooling. We are still homeschooling and we just passed the one-year mark. LOVING IT. Still working kinks out and learning, but I have a feeling that that is all part of the new normal. I will of course be posting a lot about that, so I'll just leave it alone right now. API. I started the first API group in Arkansas which was a huge goal of mine. It is going well. I'm enjoying volunteering for API in general and there are all kinds of opportunities for me there, if and when I can find the time. Why API? Because I think it's world-changing stuff. Doula stuff. I have my first birth coming up! I am so excited. She was due 2 days ago, so it won't be long! New things: (1) I drink green smoothies now. Many updates to come on that. (2) Gonna start a garden (first time other than just flowers and an herb garden...I'm pumped!) Updates on that to come as well. In the meantime, my "blogs" might just be in the form of status updates, since they're quick and easy, but they say a lot. I got off facebook and twitter and am missing updating my status, so I'll just do it here. Win-win. I get to update my status, but no one has to read it unless they come here on purpose. That's all for now. Maybe someday I'll figure out how to add pictures to my blog. Sigh.